The Fuck-Drunk Chronicles

Everything happens for a reason.  Of course sometimes the reason is that I’m a bit dim and make poor decisions.  During the bored spell between Christmas and New Year I actually bothered to go through all my messages on Fab and delete the 99% that were dross, replying to the 1% that interested me. Among the messages was a 3 week old message from someone who had enclosed a face photo and basically messaged “this is me – let me know if you like it”.   It’s not a message that would normally grab the imagination but the photo was of him with a bright red parrot on his shoulder, and the tiny thumbnail on my phone led me in my terrible eyesight to see it as the weirdest ever santa hat.   I had a chuckle and messaged exactly that back, only to find the sender was online at that very moment. He told me he was free for a social drink that afternoon and in a weird coincidence I was also free and looking vaguely presentable as I was ready to go out for dinner with friends. ...

I have mentioned a few times the swinging site I used heavily for a few years.  I am still on the site, but it’s no longer my main source of a good time.  I’ve had great fun on there and I’m still a frequent visitor, but I’m no longer actively searching or sending messages to profiles that tickle my fancy.  I’m now a passive spectator, occasionally throwing my tuppence into a forum thread or replying to a message I find interesting. That makes it all the more interesting that I’ve recently had some very enjoyable meets from there, two of whom I hope to meet on a regularish basis, indeed one of whom I’ve met a couple of times already and had great fun with! One of the oddities about that particular site is the verification system.   An existing member can meet a newbie and confirm that they are a real person and turned up when they said they would, looking like the photos they had provided.   Good idea, no?   Well… as with so many good ideas sometimes th...

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m lacking in grace and co-ordination.  While I’ve (thankfully) never had major injuries my life is littered with broken toes and cracked ribs and pulled muscles and concussions.  I’m almost always bruised in ways I can’t explain and even when I know exactly how I’ve come by a particular bruise the story tends to be unbelievably comedic. I met Doc many years ago on a BDSM hookup site.   He was a GP, so evenings and weekends worked as well for him as they did for me.   We chatted for a while before meeting up for coffee, where we chatted some more and laughed and he flirted heavily with me.   He asked to come straight back to mine, and (for once) freshly shaved and groomed and with fresh linens on my bed, I agreed. Back at mine, naked in bed, Doc’s Dom tendencies came to the fore.   I always have under-bed restraints on my bed, and he put them to good use, tying me extremely tightly before lying next to me and stroking my ...

I’m terrible at reading social cues.  Truly, horribly, toe-curlingly awful at it.  As a result I have a morbid fear of outstaying my welcome, of pushing myself in where I’m not wanted.  It isn’t easy for me to give up on someone but if I sense them cooling then I try my hardest not to turn into the “I’m not gonna be IGNORED Dan” bunny-boiler stereotype.  It’s a fine line to tread though, to show continued interest without applying pressure if the other person is cooling off. K has been a FB for a number of years.   While we get on well, we both understood the limits of the relationship as FB, not FWB.   If sex is off the table then we would never meet up just to spend time together.   I enjoy his company and have nothing but love for him, but it’s entirely a sexual arrangement. I originally met K on a swinging site, through his wife.   She liked the idea of K meeting up with other women, though she didn’t want to participate.   When we al...

When I’m asked what I’m into and what turns me on I have a tendency to lapse into a list of what I don’t like, what turns me off, what I don’t want to explore.  It’s a much shorter list, but I tend to view it as a list of non-negotiables.  No matter which site I’m currently using to get my jollies, a guy whose profile says he wants to push boundaries will always be a no from me – my boundaries are there for a reason and I’ve no desire to have them pushed. Outside of that list are the negotiables: things that don’t turn me on or that I’m not keen on or I’m nervous about, but am willing to do occasionally if a partner is very keen.   I’ve mentioned the spanking session with G, and impact play is one of those negotiables.   Another is anal. I’ve had anal in the past, but I’ve found it to be unerotic at best, painful at worst.   It’s not something that will ever get me to orgasm by itself, and most of the men I’ve slept with have lacked the patience to warm me u...

Sometimes you know at the outset the connection with someone will be amazing.  Other times it just sneaks up on you unexpectedly.  I recently decided that the swinging site I was using wasn’t getting me the results I wanted, so I reactivated my account on a hookup site and almost immediately got chatting to G, hitting it off from the very first message. We went out for a drink within a couple of days, and I liked him a huge amount.   He was smart, witty and intelligent, and we liked similar films and places and people, though we had very different tastes in art and books.   I was sorry to leave when the restaurant closed, and even as I sat on the train home he was continuing our conversations on whatsapp. On the face of it we seemed highly suited.   Both looking for regular overnight stays, both having explored BDSM pretty thoroughly before stepping back from it, neither interested in a relationship but perfectly happy with a FWB arrangement. There is a pr...

  I’m not someone who has ever been concerned for status symbols.   When I choose to meet someone, to spend my time with them and share my body with them, I don’t give a toss what brand of watch they’re wearing or what income tax bracket they fall into.   I find conspicuous consumption vulgar, rather than impressive.   When someone on one of the sites I use promises to look after me it tends to make me snort laugh: I can take care of myself and I don’t think of myself as the sort of person who would sell herself for a bit of luxury.   Everyone has a price though. Before I met B I considered staying in a hotel not advertised by Lenny Henry to be true luxury.   B was an American who flew to London frequently on business and wanted an amusing companion over dinner and a warm body in the hotel bed.   He was very open about what he wanted and what he liked, and since his preferences seemed to tally with mine it seemed a good idea to meet up.   He had...

I’m not a great fan of labels.  I do use them for convenience, but I sometimes find them restrictive, particularly when it comes to something as ambiguous and fluid as sexuality.  One of the sites I frequently visit seems to attract young men who are questioning themselves and their desires: “I love women but I’m fantasizing about cock: does that make me gay?”. I’ve always thought of sexuality less as tickable boxes and more of a fluid continuum, a sliding scale or a cobweb diagram, where varying preferences can be dialled up or down over time as tastes change. Sadly, when it comes to registering on hookup sites the vast majority don’t have an option of “loves cock but wouldn’t turn Mary Portas down given the opportunity”, so when I met R I had my profile set up so say I was hetero. Until that point, I hadn’t really considered other women as potential sexual partners.  R was bi, and was very open about his bisexuality (online – not so open in real life).  While his p...

As the current Covid lockdown rumbles on and I grow increasingly starved of touch I find my masturbatory thoughts turning away from the cut and thrust of sex itself, and instead bringing intimate touch into detailed focus.  I am a very tactile person and I miss touch.  I crave touch.  Yes, I’d love someone to fuck away my cares for an hour or two right now (I have plenty of burdens I’d love to set down for however short a period), but what I really crave is someone lazily trailing a finger across my shoulder as we lie in the sweaty afterglow of a job well done, brushing a damp tendril of frizzy hair out of my face, laughing as my super-sensitive post orgasm skin twitches under the lightest of touches. I think of all the times I lay with C, my head on his shoulder as I played with his chest hair.  I never tired of the way the silky hair would curl around my finger, tempting me to lightly tug on it, testing my resolve to not do so. I think of the way R would wrap...

I spend a considerable amount of time in adult online environments.  I’m a member of two fora associated with different porn sites, as well as spending time on whichever site I’m currently favouring to arrange whatever style of liaison tickles my fancy at a given moment.  Some of those sites have bulletin boards, some have chat rooms, all have messaging facilities.  Some of them are more welcoming than others, some are like spending time back in the school playground where X won’t play with you because you’ve been seen talking to Y.  On the whole the porn fora are far friendlier than the sites designed to facilitate encounters (it’s living proof of East and Watts assertion on Jealousy and Envy: that higher sex drives tend to be a significant predictor of higher levels of sexual jealousy). Some questions are, if not unique to a particular site, certainly unusual away from that site.  One porn forum is an American site and seems to attract guys obsessed with...

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What does it take to attract someone?  Damned if I know.  Aside from sexual availability and an impressive rack I find it difficult to see myself as being in any way desirable.  I am always surprised when someone else finds me sexy because I find myself resolutely lumpish and ungainly.  The fact remains that I’ve never struggled to attract potential bedfellows, both online and in real life.  I choose online for convenience and because it allows me to be incredibly open about what I’m looking for, not because it’s the only route open to me. I suspect the same isn’t true for everyone. What does it take to turn someone off?  Well, I can’t speak for everyone but it takes ridiculously little to turn me off.  My initial attraction is a precarious and fragile thing that requires nurturing, and in the early stages the slightest thing can leave me wincing and leaving a conversation. I had been chatting to N for a little while when we decided to try to m...