Toy Stories

It’s hard to believe, but until the late noughties I didn’t own a single toy.  I didn’t masturbate, so I didn’t need them.  After an unexpected encounter in a hotel my libido came roaring to life and I suddenly understood all the fuss about sex – that done well, actually it could be really good fun!

I started slowly, a small rubber dildo, then a starter bullet vibrator.  I enjoyed the feeling of fullness, but I loved the buzzing on my clit.  I bought a slimline rabbit and felt like I was flying.  My orgasms are rather extreme, so I killed the rabbit within a few weeks.  I clenched so tight I stopped the plastic pearls moving and burned the motor out.  Within six months my toybox looked like an am-dram performance of Watership Down, strewn with dead rabbits.  Thankfully Lovehoney worked a rabbit amnesty scheme under WEEE, where anything buzzy could be sent to them for recycling, giving points that could be spent on other toys (they still run the amnesty, in case it’s of interest, but no longer give points).

Up to my neck in BDSM, I started branching out.  I bought glass and steel from intimategadgets, a ridiculously cheap site in China, where the cost of the low price was the extended delivery time (and the fact that while they sent it in discreet plain packaging they also filled in the customs declaration as “naughty toys”, which caused a few raised eyebrows when I went to collect the parcel from the post office).

I bought whips and floggers in a variety of materials, from the softest of skins to a rubber flogger that pulled the skin as it struck and is still one of the most painful things I’ve ever used.  I bought paddles with and without spikes, canes, a tawse, nipple clamps, restraints, gags, chastity cages and a ridiculously expensive but very effective estim kit with a couple of insertables.  Much as I enjoyed solo use of the estim torpedo attachment, it gave a very particular type of orgasm where my muscles went into spasm and I clamped down hard.  It took so long to relax again afterwards I couldn’t remove it for quite a while.

I started meeting subs and buying specific toys to suit, and ended up lugging a huge tote bag of toys around in the boot of my car.  Storing latex or silicone toys next to each other is never a good idea, and more than once I reached into my bag of tricks to find dildos had melted where they were touching, and had turned into a puddle of gloop.  Sloppiness has always bothered me, so when I went to a fetish market and met a man who made custom furniture I started chatting to him about my needs and he devised a great solution.  A metal samsonite wheeled case (the type airline cabin crew use, but slightly larger) was fitted inside with a variety of compartments.  The front section was fitted with a zippered fold-out piece on which to hang all my impact toys, disposing of whips and floggers without risk of them getting tangled in everything else.  At the back of that were a couple of hooks around which I could wrap my restraints and ropes.  The main interior of the case was filled with cubbies and pockets and drawstring pouches all sized to take different toys.  I wheeled that case through the lobby of several different hotels, never drawing even the slightest glance.

Within a relatively short period I left the role of Domme to those who were good at it and tried sub instead.  I still used my case of goodies, but where I’d jumped into meeting subs I was slightly more guarded when it came to putting myself at someone else’s mercy, so I spent some time playing remotely.

By this point I’d burned through a lot of rabbits (and had accumulated a lot of Lovehoney loyalty points) when one day I saw a remote controlled bullet vibe called the vibraexciter.  I’d tried a few remote control toys – eggs and bullets mostly.  The issue I always had was that when inserted it was difficult for them to pick up a signal unless the remote was practically in my knickers – they certainly couldn’t be operated in a subtle fashion.

The vibraexciter was different.  It was powered and controlled by a small pager-sized unit that clipped to the waistband or the top of a pair of knickers, then a thin wire led from the unit to the bullet, which would rest against the clit.  This was back in the days before 3G, and the unit was designed to pick up any GSM signal and give a jolt of buzzing each time.  The crux of the idea was that your distant lover could text you, and when the text was received you’d also get a twenty second clit thrill.

The toy being relatively cheap, and the Dom I was chatting to being very remote from me, it seemed a good idea so I spent some of my points and two days later it turned up.

The external power pack took three AA batteries, so you can imagine the power of the vibrations.  I texted myself a few times to test it out and it seemed the most enormous fun – I was very well pleased with it.

I shared it with my Dom, and we decided that the following day in work would be so awful (I was going for a huge arse-kicking by the board of my client for something out of my control) that it was only right I should have a little fun where I could find it, and I should wear the vibe to work while he texted me filth.

At 6am I was in my office and let B (my remote Dom) know, and at length the filth arrived.  Every lewd, crude message thrilled me doubly; one jolt from reading the words, the other from the buzzing against my clit.  A huge success, I immediately decided it was my favourite toy.

The day passed with random unexpected jolts, until the time of my arse-kicking.  I walked into the boardroom where every director was on his BlackBerry (ah, the olden days).  Until that moment it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d never needed to pair the vibe with my phone.  That’s because it wasn’t specific to my phone; any GSM signal in the vicinity would set it buzzing.  Twelve men, twelve BlackBerries, all busy, all pinging.  My clit was buzzing from the second I stepped into the room until the second they were done with me, when I promptly sped to the toilets and turned everything off.

The good news is that the board went easier on me than they might’ve done – I assume they thought I was red of face and slightly shaky because of the gravity of the situation rather than because I was desperate to grind against a corner of the table and bring myself to a crashing climax.

Sadly technology has moved on, as have I.  The vibraexciter didn’t pick up 3G signal, much less 4G, so no longer works and is probably no longer on sale.  I eventually stepped away from BDSM and gave my wheeled trolley to my last Dom, who still uses it.  I kept the glass and steel and some of the restraints, a couple of the rabbits and a few of the curiosities (a clit vibe attachment for my electric toothbrush being a particularly useful one to use when I’m travelling).

Eventually I found a rabbit with steel innards that seems to stand up OK to the level of use I give it.  Big blue tends to last between six and nine months before dying, whereas most of the others don’t make it much beyond six weeks.  I am now on around my eighth or ninth, and despite a couple of issues (one which overheated causing a nasty singe, and the one pictured at the top of this post where I somehow managed to snap the central shaft) it’s still the one that guarantees results.  Sadly Lovehoney no longer sell them, so when my current one dies I’ve no idea where my next will come from.  I’m treating it very carefully!