The Fuck-Drunk Chronicles

I have worked in procurement for decades now.  I have gained my chartered status and have taken exams in various procurement-related subjects (I’d say I’d studied but that would be a gross overstatement since I walked into each exam having not opened even the study guide, much less a textbook). I love what I do, though not always for whom I do it.  I love the game, the power play of it.  I love to sit devising strategies and see them pay off.  I like to think of myself as an ethical buyer, but even so there is a game to be played to ensure everyone walks away with a workable deal and I love that part of the job. Weirdly what has spilled over into my non-work life isn’t the game, much as I love it.  Over the last few decades I have found myself becoming a more ethically conscious consumer.  I don’t mean I wear only Birkenstocks and eat only vegan granola, but I try to keep myself aware of where I spend my money and exactly what sort of companies a...

For someone who has had as many one-off meets as I’ve had, I’m not particularly enamoured of them.  I like to take my time to learn someone’s body, find the particular touches that make their heart race and their cock throb.  There is much to be said for the frenzy of someone new, the frantic urgency, kicking the flat door closed because my hands are busy stripping off his clothes, falling to my knees in the hall to take him into my mouth because I can’t spare the time to drag him into the bedroom in the lust and greed of the moment, or being pressed against the wall of a hotel room with his cock pressing into me from behind for a hard, fast, frantic fuck. My preference will normally be for the more leisurely sex that takes time to touch, to feel, to taste, to learn.  I love to watch a man masturbate because I love to see how he touches himself.  As well as being a generally delightful thing to watch it tells me how he wants me to touch him: does he enjoy havi...

It’s hard to believe, but until the late noughties I didn’t own a single toy.  I didn’t masturbate, so I didn’t need them.  After an unexpected encounter in a hotel my libido came roaring to life and I suddenly understood all the fuss about sex – that done well, actually it could be really good fun! I started slowly, a small rubber dildo, then a starter bullet vibrator.  I enjoyed the feeling of fullness, but I loved the buzzing on my clit.  I bought a slimline rabbit and felt like I was flying.  My orgasms are rather extreme, so I killed the rabbit within a few weeks.  I clenched so tight I stopped the plastic pearls moving and burned the motor out.  Within six months my toybox looked like an am-dram performance of Watership Down, strewn with dead rabbits.  Thankfully Lovehoney worked a rabbit amnesty scheme under WEEE, where anything buzzy could be sent to them for recycling, giving points that could be spent on other toys (they still run...

Do you think you’re shaped by your name?  My name is a very common one, particularly around this area (there were three girls in my school with the same Christian name and surname, one in the same year as me).  The good news is that I rarely have to spell my name out; the bad news is that if someone tries to friend me on facebook they will never find me on my name alone.  Or is that more good news for me?  Bad news for them, obviously, since I’m funny as fuck on the socials.  Anyway, I’ve often wondered if I’d be a different person had my parents named me differently.  Like Homer Simpson when he changed his name to Max Power; would previously undiscovered facets of my personality come to the forefront?  Does your name influence who you are? I’ve met three men christened Michael, going by a variation of the name.  All have been unforgettable for a variety of reasons, but all have given me a wariness about meeting further Mikes, Micks or Mick...

I’ve had a lot of jobs in my working life, but for 22 years I’ve worked in one field.  It’s a field I happen to be extremely good at, fortunately, but it’s a field I fell into quite by accident. My first degree is in economics, and there’s not a huge amount an economics degree is useful for.  My first job after graduating was working as a bank clerk, but it quickly became obvious I shouldn’t ever be in a role that involves direct interaction with the general public. I left that role within a year and started temping at a huge behemoth of a 1970s oil company.  It was one of those companies where once you got a foot in the door you could stay as long as you wished; so big that nobody knew what anyone else did, so profitable that no role was ever challenged in the name of efficiency. Initially I was taken on to pack files into boxes ready for an office move.  That move accomplished I was then passed around from department to department, until the almost i...